Foundations

Children thrive on routine and structure. Though they may originally fight you on rules, there is great security that comes from predictability and consistency. My girls at the residential school used to be this way; they would come into our program and HATE the rules (and admittedly, there were a lot). This, however, did establish a pattern of safety for many of them who had not had security, predictability, or consistency ever before. There certainly needs to be balance; we mixed free time and fun times in with the structure and more often than not our girls have said that they wished they could come back. It created an environment in which they could be confident they could achieve, or be willing to try new things because their foundation was secure.

In Educational Psychology: Windows on Classrooms, Paul Eggen and Don Kauchak (2010) write, "...certain parenting styles, general patterns of interacting with an disciplining children, promote more healthy personal development than others, and the effects of these styles can last into the college years, influencing motivation, achievement, and relationships with teachers" (p.63). Research has shown that the most beneficial parenting style is an authoritative style. The authoritative style is characterized by a combination of high expectations, explanations for the rules, structure, care, and support (Eggen & Kauchak, 2010, p. 64). I would argue that this style of parenting can also be used by those who are in leadership over students-- this includes teachers, youth workers, pastors, etc.

Parenting this way certainly requires purposeful planning. High expectations require you to be present and involved in the activities in which they participate so you know what is realistic and possible with support and appropriate tools. Consistency is also a key. If they know that you won't follow through with specific consequences for particular behaviors, there will be no need to meet your expectations.

Let's demand more from our students. And let's give them the tools they need to succeed. It really is in their best interest.

Sources:

Eggen, P. & Kauchak, D. (2010). Educational psychology: windows on classrooms. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Goleman, D., Boyatzis, R. & McKee, A. (2002). Primal leadership: Learning to lead with emotional intelligence. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press.

Communication

"Fundamentally, every behavior is a communication about needs, expectations, goals, and aspirations." -Rosemary Thompson, Nurturing Future Generations

I love this. If there is one thing that I have learned from working with kids and teenagers for more than 10 years now, it's this. Rather than just addressing the symptoms that are behaviors, I generally try to see to the root issue that motivates the behavior. Is a child disruptive? Maybe he or she is just looking for someone to pay attention. Is a child lying? Maybe he or she is afraid of getting in trouble or looking for a reward. The child may not be able to identify the specific root, but I have found that identifying a behavior and discussing it with a student often leads to a conversation about their dreams, fears, or current challenges. Through guided discussion teenagers are usually able to identify what is driving their behavior choices, and are usually open to suggestions that will help them resolve an issue or take a step closer to a goal after having that conversation.

As adults, our behavior also communicates things to our students or children. Kids measure whether we mean what we say by the things we do. If we tell them one thing but our actions do not support or reaffirm what we've said, they will know this-- and we all know that actions speak louder than words. Our kids and teens are watching us and they are learning what appropriate behavior is from our examples. We all have internalized particular patterns of behavior from those who have influenced us, but we certainly have a choice in whether we continue in those patterns.

In Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence , Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee (2002) provide three steps to change old habits into new ones: "bring bad habits into awareness, consciously practice a better way, and rehearse that new behavior at every opportunity until it becomes automatic..." (p. 156). Will changing habits be hard work and take a decent amount of time? Yes. Is the effort worth the hard work and time? Absolutely-- especially if the change brings us closer to goals we've set for ourselves.

I challenge you to examine what you are teaching your students through your example. If there are things that you would like to change, try implementing the three steps that Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee recommend.

Sources:

Goleman, D., Boyatzis, R. & McKee, A. (2002). Primal leadership: Learning to lead with emotional intelligence. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press.

Thompson, R. (2006) Nurturing future generations: Promoting resilience in children and adolescents through social, emotional and cognitive skills. New York, NY: Routledge.

"America, you're sending girls a mixed message..."

I have another article recommendation, particularly for those who have daughters or who work with teenage or soon to be teenage girls. It is especially powerful because it was written by a 13 year old.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adora-svitak/would-you-buy-this-for-yo_b_925117.html?ncid=webmail2

"America, you're sending girls a mixed message. On one hand you're saying to have positive body image and love who we are, on the other we're being marketed makeup and clothing that obviously turns us into someone different."

This story is not an exaggeration by any means; I've witnessed countless girls wrestle with these thoughts, and I've also seen those who have achieved their goals turn and wound those who do not meet the "standards." My heart has broken so many times as I've watched girls (ranging anywhere from age 8 and up) be convinced that they must look and act a certain way to be desirable or acceptable. They have been convinced that they are only valuable when someone else wants them, and in order to have someone want them, they have to be a certain thing, wear a certain size, or look a certain way. It's nonsense, but where is it being countered? Certainly not in the stores, on the runways, in the magazines, on television, in movies, in music, etc. etc. etc.

We must be the force.

Our girls are not valuable because they are beautiful. Our girls are valuable because they are smart, unique, kind, gentle, fierce, witty, courageous, honest, competitive, diligent, AND beautiful-- they must know that their value is not defined by a waist or cup size, that they are as valuable at size 16 as they are at size 6. Is it important to take steps to be healthy (healthy... not skin and bones)? Absolutely. But are you less valuable if you weigh more or don't look a particular way? Absolutely not.

So let's teach them that what is inside is more important, that beauty is fleeting, and that someday, they'll look back at pictures of themselves and think 1. "I can't believe I used to think I was____________ (fill in the blank with some self-deprecating thought that wasn't actually based on reality)" and 2. "What the heck was I thinking wearing that??" Beauty can be gone in an instant; the things we cultivate in ourselves, however, can be of true, lasting value. Let's demonstrate and teach our girls what is lasting; let's teach them that honesty is beautiful, that kindness is beautiful, that confidence is beautiful, that courage is beautiful, that strength is beautiful, that achievement is beautiful, and that integrity is beautiful.

Dove is one company who comes to mind who is trying to address this issue. In fact, Dove has some great resources for moms and daughters available on their social mission portion of the website: http://www.dove.us/Social-Mission/
They've been addressing the fact that we have unrealistic expectations and aspirations in our pursuit of beauty with their 2006 "Evolution" film (which currently has more than 13 million views on Youtube!): http://youtu.be/iYhCn0jf46U This is something that I have used with teenage girls, and they all have responded very well to it. It certainly has opened up the topic for discussion, and I think that is an important first step.

Value.

I have a nephew. And I'm positively crazy about him. He could get me to do just about anything, simply by asking in his sweet little voice. My wonderful little nephew just turned two; he has so much energy, personality, and willpower and is learning how to communicate. I love the way he says so many different things and the non-verbal cues that he's been learning (side note: I love Skype). I've taught him all the important words such as "cookie," "candy," "chocolate," and "cake" (which, as I'm sure you can imagine, my sister just loooves). He's been saying my name for a while now, which I've tried to cultivate from the time he was three months old with the "buh...buh...buh...buh" repetitions (I started early; I'm an over-achiever, what can I say?). Anyway, he can say my name. Kind of. I'm "Backy." It's precious, and I love it.

"Hi, Backy!" (which he'll repeat at least a dozen times throughout one conversation, often following a period of silence about four seconds long)

"You hear me, my Backy?"

"You see me, my Backy?"

He'll say them right in the middle of our conversations, as I'm talking to him. He'll even repeat the questions again right after I smile and assure him "I see you." "I hear you."

Immediately I'm struck that this is familiar-- I do this too. He's simply voicing the questions that echo within me, maybe within all of us. Do you really see me? Do you really hear me?

I think we all ask these questions of those with whom we interact every day. I recently took a couple kids that I watch in the afternoons to a park to play. While there, two adorable little girls came up to me and started talking to me about anything and everything. What started out as facts here and there turned into non-stop chatter. I could practically hear their souls aching, Do you see us? Do you hear us? Please show us we matter. Their dad was sitting on a bench in the shade, and I knew that he was getting suspicious about this lady who was sitting there talking to his kids. I kept doing my best to give off the "I swear I'm not initiating this and I promise I'm a nice person who won't do anything to your kids" vibe, but he called the oldest little girl over and she came back instructing her little sister that dad said not to talk to strangers. They walked away to play on another part of the playground, but again I was reminded of this need for our value to be recognized.

The truth is that we each carry immense power to help someone feel their worth, and this is infinitely magnified as peers, friends, parents, teachers, or role models. Today you can truly see another individual, which could very well be the very thing they need right this moment.

So that's my challenge for me and for you. Recognize the value of those around you and make sure they know. See those children who are aching to know they matter. And know that you matter. Immensely. 

A Reminder

"When you're in your nineties and looking back, it's not going to be how much money you made or how many awards you've won. It's really, what did you stand for. Did you make a positive difference for people?" -Elizabeth Dole