Communication

"Fundamentally, every behavior is a communication about needs, expectations, goals, and aspirations." -Rosemary Thompson, Nurturing Future Generations

I love this. If there is one thing that I have learned from working with kids and teenagers for more than 10 years now, it's this. Rather than just addressing the symptoms that are behaviors, I generally try to see to the root issue that motivates the behavior. Is a child disruptive? Maybe he or she is just looking for someone to pay attention. Is a child lying? Maybe he or she is afraid of getting in trouble or looking for a reward. The child may not be able to identify the specific root, but I have found that identifying a behavior and discussing it with a student often leads to a conversation about their dreams, fears, or current challenges. Through guided discussion teenagers are usually able to identify what is driving their behavior choices, and are usually open to suggestions that will help them resolve an issue or take a step closer to a goal after having that conversation.

As adults, our behavior also communicates things to our students or children. Kids measure whether we mean what we say by the things we do. If we tell them one thing but our actions do not support or reaffirm what we've said, they will know this-- and we all know that actions speak louder than words. Our kids and teens are watching us and they are learning what appropriate behavior is from our examples. We all have internalized particular patterns of behavior from those who have influenced us, but we certainly have a choice in whether we continue in those patterns.

In Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence , Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee (2002) provide three steps to change old habits into new ones: "bring bad habits into awareness, consciously practice a better way, and rehearse that new behavior at every opportunity until it becomes automatic..." (p. 156). Will changing habits be hard work and take a decent amount of time? Yes. Is the effort worth the hard work and time? Absolutely-- especially if the change brings us closer to goals we've set for ourselves.

I challenge you to examine what you are teaching your students through your example. If there are things that you would like to change, try implementing the three steps that Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee recommend.

Sources:

Goleman, D., Boyatzis, R. & McKee, A. (2002). Primal leadership: Learning to lead with emotional intelligence. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press.

Thompson, R. (2006) Nurturing future generations: Promoting resilience in children and adolescents through social, emotional and cognitive skills. New York, NY: Routledge.