Choices, Choices, Choices

I lived and worked at a residential school for at-risk adolescent girls for 3 1/2 years after I graduated from college. While there, I was especially known for one phrase– “it’s all about choices.” The girls probably got really sick of me saying it, but I firmly believed (and still do) that recognizing that they had a choice in every action was an essential key to their success. All too often, they believed that their actions were a product of their past, a result of others’ actions or circumstances. Just because things have been a certain way for a particular period of time does not mean that they must continue. And while I think we probably all mentally recognize this truth, sometimes we don’t feel or act out of that conviction.

This belief in an ability to choose one’s actions and/or direction in life is actually one of the resiliency factors that educators are using to counter at-risk characteristics in students: “Students who take control of projects and incorporate their own ideas and interests into the final product develop a healthy sense of agency and internal locus of control, both of which contribute to students’ experiences of educational resilience” (Downey, 59). Choice has also been shown to be a factor that helps employees “buy in” to a company’s mission or project. We are hard-wired to want a say in how things go and opportunities to share and act on our ideas.

I believe that choices and decisions eliminate our ability to make excuses; rather than blaming outside forces or circumstances, we recognize our own influence on our actions, or lack thereof. Excuses are crippling; they allow things to stay as they are. I recently saw a pin on Pinterest that touched on this subject– ”What you allow is what will continue.” It’s so true. There certainly will be things that are beyond one’s control, but we still have a choice in how we respond to circumstances and others’ actions.

I often need to remind myself that the only person I can control is myself. For better or worse, it’s up to me to determine what my life will look like. Now, as Christians, we certainly acknowledge the presence and influence of the Lord in ordering our steps, but I don’t believe that makes us powerless. The president of the college from which I graduated used to say that sometimes we’ll have two (or more) options and when we ask the Lord whether we should walk through door A or B, He’ll simply reply “yes.” We’ve been given brains, common sense, freedom, and willpower so that we can make wise choices and exert our will.

So my question is this… well, technically I have a few: Are you giving your people opportunities to make choices? Do they believe they have opportunities to contribute? Are we teaching our kids how to make wise decisions? Are we teaching our students that they absolutely are responsible for the decisions that are shaping their lives? And perhaps most important, are we making wise choices in our own lives? Or are we allowing excuses to hinder our progress?

Downey, J.A. (2008). Recommendations for Fostering Educational Resilience in the Classroom. Preventing School Failure, 53(1), 56-64.

Culture Clashes

I recently finished reading Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. I'd highly recommend it; as one such introvert about whom she writes, nearly everything she wrote resonated with me. One topic in particular has stayed with me since I read it (and, truthfully, since I heard her TED Talk). In her book, she wrote about a shift that took place in America that Warren Susman, a cultural historian, described as a change from a "Culture of Character" to a "Culture of Personality."

"In the Culture of Character, the ideal self was serious, disciplined, and honorable. What counted was not so much the impression one made in public as how one behaved in private. The word personality didn't exist until the eighteenth century, and the idea of 'having a good personality' was not widespread until the twentieth. But when they embraced the Culture of Personality, Americans started to focus on how others perceived them. They became captivated by people who were bold and entertaining" (Cain, 2012, p. 21).

It is completely obvious that this certainly describes much of today's culture-- charisma and appearance sway, substance is secondary. And honestly, I can't help but feel that we've lost something here. What's even more disturbing is that so many people (teens being especially susceptible) are completely oblivious to the fact that they are being influenced and making choices based on personality rather than substance. Just look at advertising strategies-- promoting people and products using qualities that Cain lists as characteristics of the Culture of Personality (magnetic, fascinating, stunning, attractive, glowing, dominant, forceful, energetic) are the tools of the trade (Cain, 2012, pp. 23-24).

I would argue that we're setting ourselves up for failure.

We're doing our kids, students, employees, and peers a disservice if we're not encouraging and equipping them to look for the character and substance under a personality, and more importantly, to develop their own. I'm not arguing that we completely dismiss the personality; obviously we have to speak the language of the culture to a certain extent, but I think we have to do the hard work that comes along with developing the moral fiber that is essential to consistent, long-term success.

I recently traveled to Europe, and I was struck by the difference in Europeans' appreciation for things that take time and effort-- food, flowers, architectural details, sitting in a cafe enjoying and investing in relationships, etc. In our busy, convenience driven culture, we may be sacrificing more than we realize by not investing in the things that take days, months, and years to develop. My challenge is simply to take a second look.

Source: Cain, S. (2012). Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking. New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

Tiger Moms

"A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it."

The article continues here: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html

It's obviously been out for a long time now, but as it was published while I was in the midst of my character education program, it was of particular interest to me; I found it simply fascinating! While I'm not sure that I could ever get myself to parent or lead students that way (even as "the tough one"), I think it's worthwhile to hear other perspectives and consider the pros and cons of said perspectives.

So enjoy! :)

Be Careful Little Eyes...

 "The typical adolescent of any ethnic or economic group witnesses on television more than 8,000 murders and more than 100,000 other violent acts by the time he or she enters seventh grade" (Thompson, 2006, p. 261).

Talk about a startling fact.

When I first read this months ago for one of my classes, I went immediately to my social media outlets and put this up for everyone to see. It absolutely blew my mind. No wonder our kids are so desensitized to violence today! And if our kids are, surely we are as well. After reading this statistic, I immediately started to pay more attention to the kinds of things to which I was exposing myself on a regular basis, even if it was only on television. I've tried to make a conscious effort to change the channel if things start to get gory or violent, and I've definitely noticed a change in my response when it comes on. I have a significantly lower tolerance for it now, which, admittedly, wasn't ever very high to begin with... (I will pass out from any decent amount of blood or anatomy discussion-- no joke, I had to drop anatomy in high school because I almost dropped off the lab stools from a discussion about ligaments and tendons in my first class).

Why does this matter?

Because "violence is perhaps one of the most pervasive and serious threat to the mental health and well-being of youth in the United States. Young people are disproportionately represented as both victims and perpetrators of violence. National school-based data indicate that violence, especially bullying behavior, is prevalent in many schools" (Thompson, 2006, p. 249).

and

Because "without the opportunity to process random acts of violence in the media, youth become desensitized and begin to have destructive social expectations and a proclivity for aggressive behavior" (Thompson, 2006, p. 261).

What are your students seeing? Are they being exposed to violence at home, on tv, in video games, etc? Let's help protect our students and children from the consequences of exposure to violence, both in media and in person.

Source:  Thompson, R. (2006) Nurturing future generations: Promoting resilience in children and adolescents through social, emotional and cognitive skills. New York, NY: Routledge.

Onward!

As you may know, I've been in school for the last year pursing my Master's in Leadership in Character Education. For one of my classes this semester we've been reading Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence (which I highly recommend by the way) by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee. In chapter 7, "The Motivation to Change," the authors are writing about the mental processes behind pursuing new dreams, changing old habits, and the obstacles we may face:

 

"In fact, the very act of contemplating change can fill people with worries about perceived obstacles. Sometimes after people have experienced that initial feeling of excitement about their ideal futures, they immediately lose it again, frustrated because they aren't already living that dream today. That's when remembering the brain's role in feeling can help... it's the activation of the left prefrontal cortex that gives us a motivating hope, by letting us imagine how great we'll feel the day we reach the goal of our ideal. That's what spurs us on, despite obstacles. Conversely, if we fixate on what's in our way-- rather than on the powerful image of our ideal life-- we presumably activate the right prefrontal area and are plunged into a pessimistic view that demotivates us and can actually

hinder our success" (Goleman, Boyatzis, & McKee, 2002, p.117).

 

I find this simply fascinating and so incredibly encouraging. I absolutely love that we have a choice in this. As a person who tends to continually try to figure out what could go wrong so I can avoid the potential pitfalls, this was a light bulb switching on moment. I literally may be doing more harm than good by focusing on all of the potential catastrophes rather than just pausing and responding appropriately if and when a situation comes up. So I'm going to work on this. I'm going to take more purposeful steps to achieve my goals, but I'm going to focus more on the positive, the dream, and the potential and let my left prefrontal cortex drive me forward.

What have you been telling yourself can't happen? Maybe it's time to change your internal dialogue too...


Source: Goleman, D., Boyatzis, R. & McKee, A. (2002). Primal leadership: Learning to lead with emotional intelligence. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press.

Influence Through Relationship

"Title, position, and authority may hold power, but influence travels through relationships." -Erwin McManus

This is so true. The interesting thing about influence is that it can be either a positive or negative force in an individual's life. I hope we all have positive influencers that drive us forward and challenge us to be our best selves, but I think we probably all have some negative influencers.
The older I get, the more I believe that we all make choices in everything we do; we may say that we have no choice, but rarely is that actually the case. In the case of negative influencers, I think it is wise for us to limit our exposure and counter that negative influence with things that inspire us, challenge us, and draw us forward toward the goals we have set for ourselves.

When I think about the people who have had lasting positive influence in my life, the people that come to mind are those who invested in relationships with me. And not just surface relationships... relationships in which I could be authentic and accepted. This is not to say that these people allowed me to stay where I was, quite the contrary. They cared enough to accept me, but challenged me to move forward and accomplish things that I may have been too afraid to try before.

In his book Developing the Leader Within You, John Maxwell (1993)  writes, "Sociologists tell us that even the most introverted individual will influence ten thousand other people during his or her lifetime!" (p. 2). So really, you will impact someone-- but you have to choose what kind of an influencer you will be. Will you be a positive influencer? One who drives people to be the best they can be? Who believes in their possibilities, strengths, and dreams and speaks life to their fears and failure? Or will you be a negative influencer? One who contributes to stagnation, laziness, wounding those with whom you come in contact, or tearing others down? The choice is ours.

I think it's also important to note that we all have a choice in how we will respond to the influencers in our lives. There are some cases where the people who could and should be our biggest cheerleaders are not. In that case, we have to make the best of the situation that we can, but if possible, plan to make changes as soon as possible.

Who are the influencers in your life? Who are you influencing?


Source: Maxwell, J. (1993). Developing the leader within you. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.

Foundations

Children thrive on routine and structure. Though they may originally fight you on rules, there is great security that comes from predictability and consistency. My girls at the residential school used to be this way; they would come into our program and HATE the rules (and admittedly, there were a lot). This, however, did establish a pattern of safety for many of them who had not had security, predictability, or consistency ever before. There certainly needs to be balance; we mixed free time and fun times in with the structure and more often than not our girls have said that they wished they could come back. It created an environment in which they could be confident they could achieve, or be willing to try new things because their foundation was secure.

In Educational Psychology: Windows on Classrooms, Paul Eggen and Don Kauchak (2010) write, "...certain parenting styles, general patterns of interacting with an disciplining children, promote more healthy personal development than others, and the effects of these styles can last into the college years, influencing motivation, achievement, and relationships with teachers" (p.63). Research has shown that the most beneficial parenting style is an authoritative style. The authoritative style is characterized by a combination of high expectations, explanations for the rules, structure, care, and support (Eggen & Kauchak, 2010, p. 64). I would argue that this style of parenting can also be used by those who are in leadership over students-- this includes teachers, youth workers, pastors, etc.

Parenting this way certainly requires purposeful planning. High expectations require you to be present and involved in the activities in which they participate so you know what is realistic and possible with support and appropriate tools. Consistency is also a key. If they know that you won't follow through with specific consequences for particular behaviors, there will be no need to meet your expectations.

Let's demand more from our students. And let's give them the tools they need to succeed. It really is in their best interest.

Sources:

Eggen, P. & Kauchak, D. (2010). Educational psychology: windows on classrooms. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Goleman, D., Boyatzis, R. & McKee, A. (2002). Primal leadership: Learning to lead with emotional intelligence. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press.

Communication

"Fundamentally, every behavior is a communication about needs, expectations, goals, and aspirations." -Rosemary Thompson, Nurturing Future Generations

I love this. If there is one thing that I have learned from working with kids and teenagers for more than 10 years now, it's this. Rather than just addressing the symptoms that are behaviors, I generally try to see to the root issue that motivates the behavior. Is a child disruptive? Maybe he or she is just looking for someone to pay attention. Is a child lying? Maybe he or she is afraid of getting in trouble or looking for a reward. The child may not be able to identify the specific root, but I have found that identifying a behavior and discussing it with a student often leads to a conversation about their dreams, fears, or current challenges. Through guided discussion teenagers are usually able to identify what is driving their behavior choices, and are usually open to suggestions that will help them resolve an issue or take a step closer to a goal after having that conversation.

As adults, our behavior also communicates things to our students or children. Kids measure whether we mean what we say by the things we do. If we tell them one thing but our actions do not support or reaffirm what we've said, they will know this-- and we all know that actions speak louder than words. Our kids and teens are watching us and they are learning what appropriate behavior is from our examples. We all have internalized particular patterns of behavior from those who have influenced us, but we certainly have a choice in whether we continue in those patterns.

In Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence , Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee (2002) provide three steps to change old habits into new ones: "bring bad habits into awareness, consciously practice a better way, and rehearse that new behavior at every opportunity until it becomes automatic..." (p. 156). Will changing habits be hard work and take a decent amount of time? Yes. Is the effort worth the hard work and time? Absolutely-- especially if the change brings us closer to goals we've set for ourselves.

I challenge you to examine what you are teaching your students through your example. If there are things that you would like to change, try implementing the three steps that Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee recommend.

Sources:

Goleman, D., Boyatzis, R. & McKee, A. (2002). Primal leadership: Learning to lead with emotional intelligence. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press.

Thompson, R. (2006) Nurturing future generations: Promoting resilience in children and adolescents through social, emotional and cognitive skills. New York, NY: Routledge.

"America, you're sending girls a mixed message..."

I have another article recommendation, particularly for those who have daughters or who work with teenage or soon to be teenage girls. It is especially powerful because it was written by a 13 year old.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adora-svitak/would-you-buy-this-for-yo_b_925117.html?ncid=webmail2

"America, you're sending girls a mixed message. On one hand you're saying to have positive body image and love who we are, on the other we're being marketed makeup and clothing that obviously turns us into someone different."

This story is not an exaggeration by any means; I've witnessed countless girls wrestle with these thoughts, and I've also seen those who have achieved their goals turn and wound those who do not meet the "standards." My heart has broken so many times as I've watched girls (ranging anywhere from age 8 and up) be convinced that they must look and act a certain way to be desirable or acceptable. They have been convinced that they are only valuable when someone else wants them, and in order to have someone want them, they have to be a certain thing, wear a certain size, or look a certain way. It's nonsense, but where is it being countered? Certainly not in the stores, on the runways, in the magazines, on television, in movies, in music, etc. etc. etc.

We must be the force.

Our girls are not valuable because they are beautiful. Our girls are valuable because they are smart, unique, kind, gentle, fierce, witty, courageous, honest, competitive, diligent, AND beautiful-- they must know that their value is not defined by a waist or cup size, that they are as valuable at size 16 as they are at size 6. Is it important to take steps to be healthy (healthy... not skin and bones)? Absolutely. But are you less valuable if you weigh more or don't look a particular way? Absolutely not.

So let's teach them that what is inside is more important, that beauty is fleeting, and that someday, they'll look back at pictures of themselves and think 1. "I can't believe I used to think I was____________ (fill in the blank with some self-deprecating thought that wasn't actually based on reality)" and 2. "What the heck was I thinking wearing that??" Beauty can be gone in an instant; the things we cultivate in ourselves, however, can be of true, lasting value. Let's demonstrate and teach our girls what is lasting; let's teach them that honesty is beautiful, that kindness is beautiful, that confidence is beautiful, that courage is beautiful, that strength is beautiful, that achievement is beautiful, and that integrity is beautiful.

Dove is one company who comes to mind who is trying to address this issue. In fact, Dove has some great resources for moms and daughters available on their social mission portion of the website: http://www.dove.us/Social-Mission/
They've been addressing the fact that we have unrealistic expectations and aspirations in our pursuit of beauty with their 2006 "Evolution" film (which currently has more than 13 million views on Youtube!): http://youtu.be/iYhCn0jf46U This is something that I have used with teenage girls, and they all have responded very well to it. It certainly has opened up the topic for discussion, and I think that is an important first step.

Value.

I have a nephew. And I'm positively crazy about him. He could get me to do just about anything, simply by asking in his sweet little voice. My wonderful little nephew just turned two; he has so much energy, personality, and willpower and is learning how to communicate. I love the way he says so many different things and the non-verbal cues that he's been learning (side note: I love Skype). I've taught him all the important words such as "cookie," "candy," "chocolate," and "cake" (which, as I'm sure you can imagine, my sister just loooves). He's been saying my name for a while now, which I've tried to cultivate from the time he was three months old with the "buh...buh...buh...buh" repetitions (I started early; I'm an over-achiever, what can I say?). Anyway, he can say my name. Kind of. I'm "Backy." It's precious, and I love it.

"Hi, Backy!" (which he'll repeat at least a dozen times throughout one conversation, often following a period of silence about four seconds long)

"You hear me, my Backy?"

"You see me, my Backy?"

He'll say them right in the middle of our conversations, as I'm talking to him. He'll even repeat the questions again right after I smile and assure him "I see you." "I hear you."

Immediately I'm struck that this is familiar-- I do this too. He's simply voicing the questions that echo within me, maybe within all of us. Do you really see me? Do you really hear me?

I think we all ask these questions of those with whom we interact every day. I recently took a couple kids that I watch in the afternoons to a park to play. While there, two adorable little girls came up to me and started talking to me about anything and everything. What started out as facts here and there turned into non-stop chatter. I could practically hear their souls aching, Do you see us? Do you hear us? Please show us we matter. Their dad was sitting on a bench in the shade, and I knew that he was getting suspicious about this lady who was sitting there talking to his kids. I kept doing my best to give off the "I swear I'm not initiating this and I promise I'm a nice person who won't do anything to your kids" vibe, but he called the oldest little girl over and she came back instructing her little sister that dad said not to talk to strangers. They walked away to play on another part of the playground, but again I was reminded of this need for our value to be recognized.

The truth is that we each carry immense power to help someone feel their worth, and this is infinitely magnified as peers, friends, parents, teachers, or role models. Today you can truly see another individual, which could very well be the very thing they need right this moment.

So that's my challenge for me and for you. Recognize the value of those around you and make sure they know. See those children who are aching to know they matter. And know that you matter. Immensely. 

A Reminder

"When you're in your nineties and looking back, it's not going to be how much money you made or how many awards you've won. It's really, what did you stand for. Did you make a positive difference for people?" -Elizabeth Dole

"The Advantage in Disadvantage"

I love this! Definitely worth a read.

http://sinekpartners.typepad.com/refocus/2011/08/the-advantage-in-disadvantage.html

The Mark Uniquely Yours

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt." -Leo Buscaglia

After graduating from college, I spent nearly four years living and working with at-risk teenage girls in a residential program. When I first was offered the job, I was convinced that they would look at me as someone to whom they couldn't relate. I found, however, that it had little to do with what my life looked like in comparison to theirs; the only thing that really mattered was how much I cared about them. I had very high standards, in fact, I was known as the tough one in the house, but the girls knew that I had such high expectations because I believed they could achieve whatever they put their minds to. I truly believed they could do things that they had never considered possible, and I would do whatever I could to try to help them achieve their dreams, providing they were doing all they could to try to reach them as well. So often all they wanted/needed was someone to believe in them, and slowly but surely, they would start to believe in themselves.

In Nurturing Future Generations Rosemary Thompson describes "sigfluence" or "a positive, significant, long-term interpersonal influence over others" (p. 423).  She then writes,

"It requires an average of 2 years for youth to appreciate and understand the extent of a positive influence over their lives. The optimal influence occurs between 14 to 19 years of age. Adults with sigfluence can affect a young person's academic, social, and emotional achievement, influencing career choice and generating positive changes in self-image. Adults can nurture a positive self-concept by making all youth feel safe, accepted, wanted, appreciated, and successful. Achievement must be planned, structured, designed, implemented, and reinforced" (p. 423).

You have the opportunity to impact a life... or twenty; you could be the difference maker.


Source: Thompson, R. (2006) Nurturing future generations: Promoting resilience in children and adolescents through social, emotional and cognitive skills. New York, NY: Routledge.